Monday, February 21, 2005

Ass hole!

I have always been a late bloomer. I came out to myself at age 21 (after 8 years of sleeping with men). I first experienced oral sex when I was 25. And now in my 30s I have discovered pleasure in anal sex. No, not that I haven't experienced it before--I have been the "bottom" a dozen times or so in all these years of being sexually active (okay, you can also add promiscuous). I never enjoyed it though. It wasn't the pain--no I have used lubrication. It was just that getting fucked never turned me on in real (at best, it gave me the pleasure of satisfying my partner) although it remains a major masturbatory (is there such a word?) fantasy.

I had tried fucking guys (because they wanted me to, and because I wanted to try it) once or twice but I don't whether it was performance anxiety, simply not knowing the technique or not having the patience to keep trying (to shove it in). It never worked. To sum it up, I couldn't understand what was the big deal about anal sex and I guess I had something in common with the majority of gay men (contrary to popular notion, apparently only 30 per cent of gay men have anal sex--that's what I gathered some 10 years ago and I don't see why this should have changed radically).

I believe fucking, being a "top", "active", "panthi"...whatever doesn't make you a "real", "complete" man, "mard", biological male and being a bottom/"versatile" does not make you a freak neither less of a human being. If you believe anything to the contrary, I think you haven't been able to rid yourself of internalized homophobia (it's a lifetime of baggage to discard).

Like I have discovered about myself. It's been only twice since I fucked my boyfriend, and I loved it. Of course, a part of it has to do with my adoration for him. There are other elements as well like wanting to give pleasure to my partner and surely to some extent the experience of a 'new' sexual act.

At the same time, I have started feeling good about having crossed a hurdle so to speak. Feeling proud about doing it and liking it. I tell myself it speaks ill of my sense of self-worth as a gay man.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Better late than never.
Slow and steady wins the race...

This is how I have justified my situation which seems to be reflection of your story. But you did not mention what you would like to continue with.